Sunday, March 15, 2015

Trust the process

Anxiety. Jumping to the worst possible conclusion. Worrying about possible scenarios. These are exhausting and tedious, and old habits that have taken up way too much of my time and energy.

Over the past few years I've improved my relationship with anxiety a lot. I've learned how to think more logically - problems are easier to solve when you are able to think about them rationally without inventing a fictional, awful possible outcome and throw up your hands in despair.

A few years back my anxiety had taken a serious toll on my health. My stress level was high. 

I got a tattoo on my wrist four years ago. The Japanese symbol for faith. It was at the end of a seven year relationship. At the time, I had battled with several months of depression, a fibromyalgia flare up, and other health issues. I was overweight - the heaviest I had ever been. 

I was given the opportunity to get a new tattoo and I chose to get the faith symbol. 

I wanted to get the faith tattoo because at that point I needed faith more than ever. Faith in the universe and faith in myself. I was in a very bad situation at the time. I felt really stuck. 

I got out of that situation. I got my girls out. We've moved on to a better place. I've been single for four years. I've lost 40 pounds. My health problems have hugely improved.

Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed and stressed again. I've felt stuck. Stagnant. Things need to change. They need to improve. 

I have been having much anxiety lately over how I want things to turn out. Trying the Law of Attraction by focusing on what I really want. Narrowing down my goals. Trying to come up with a plan. 

This is where I get stuck. Because when things don't go according to my plan, it's easy to believe that things are all falling apart. 

Sometimes they are falling into place. Sometimes the things we really think we want don't come to fruition because that is not what is meant for us. 

I've found that most of my disappointment - which has led to anxiety and depression - has stemmed from me focusing on the wrong things. The more the universe resists my plan, the more I fixate on how I want things to be, putting stubborn vibes out there, causing more resistance.

We have desires and hopes and dreams for a reason. Just because things don't go the way we expect them to go doesn't mean we won't get the end result we desire. Or a better one. 

That's not to say that we shouldn't make plans to achieve our goals. That means that our plans are a roadmap - and sometimes we see signs for a site along the way, which may lead us to a detour. That's where you find the unique places, the unexpected, the undiscovered. That doesn't mean that we won't find our way to the same destination. That doesn't mean that we don't go back to the same path. It just means that you were meant to see something else along the way. Who knows, maybe that detour might lead you to change your destination altogether. Life really is meant to be an adventure and a learning experience. When we lose that, we lose everything. . 

I got this tattoo on my wrist, thinking at the time that having it on my wrist, which I see and look at every day, would constantly remind me to have faith. But it hasn't. It's become an invisible part of me that I've seen so much that I no longer even notice it. 

I looked at it on the bus the other day when I was feeling pretty down, and I remembered the reason I had gotten it in the first place.

I've come a long way since this ink was done. I don't need to go back down that path of worry. My time there is done, I've learned what I needed to learn. Time to stop reliving those old patterns. 

It's time to live. 

It's time to trust my intuition. Have faith in myself and have faith in the universe. Trust the process. 

Everything falls into place the way it is meant to, whether I worry about it or not. Instead of wasting time worrying about how I think things should be, I may as well be happy and trust the adventure. 

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